


Save Me From Myself

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-18
Updated: 2008-10-18
Packaged: 2018-09-08 05:39:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8832517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Sam doesn't manage to convince Dean that he hasn't gone too far with using his powers. That has a destructive effect on their brotherly love. Is it too late when Sam finally starts realizing what he's done?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

There aren’t many things in life that manage to shake a person to their core. There are even few that leave the bright burning mark of fear in a person’s body and soul. Dean Winchester knew that very well given his history of pain, losses and suffering – both emotional and physical. But as he walked away from the one scene he had secretly prayed would never happen, he got to thinking more and more.

 

Sam called after him, in his worried honey soft voice and even though Dean had firmly turned his back to him, he knew his baby brother had that troubled puppy dog look that no one could really resist. Except for Dean now because what he had witnessed mere minutes earlier had hit him like a ton of bricks – unpleasant, unexpected… heavy.

 

He drove around for hours, not really caring what he passed by or how early in the morning it was or even if anybody was in danger right now. And somebody was in danger. Sam had been indeed going a dark route, behind his back at that. Perhaps that was what pained Dean most. Even though Sammy hadn’t been the most talkative person on the planet for the past few years, there had never been a secret as big as this one between them. A secret that could and probably was going to ruin their life.

 

Well, lives. Dean wasn’t so sure anymore if they would be able to stick together no matter what. Sam didn’t need him apparently. Now he had his demon sidekick – Ruby of all wretched damned souls, and he had been doing some serious deeds. For a moment the older Winchester wondered if Sam actually thought that he was doing the right thing or if he thought at all.

 

A month, it had been a whole month since Cass had pulled him out of the pit and in that month, along with the other four months before that, Sam had been playing the good bad guy? Like Spiderman and how he lost himself in the power of his black suit? Dean shook his head to himself. This was much worse. Peter Parker could throw out that suit but this, this power Sam had – it was in him. And if Sam didn’t get a reality check as soon as possible, he’d be in deep trouble.

 

Not remembering a time when he was this furious, Dean finally started back towards their hotel. There was no one who cared for Sam as much as he did and yet here his baby brother was – doing what he promised he wouldn’t do, as if stomping on all the love and care his big brother had given him over the years. It was like a fist in the face, Dean mused, you don’t expect it to come and when it comes you don’t expect it to hurt as much as it does.

 

In their room, Sam appeared to be reading a book – the last thing Dean expected him to do. He was surprised his baby brother wasn’t out with Ruby again, exorcising demons without the exorcism ritual. Not saying anything, not even glancing at his brother, Dean started gathering his things and throwing them into his duffel bag. If Sam wanted to stop him, he’d teach him a lesson; if Sam didn’t try to stop him, then he’d teach him a lesson some time later when he wasn’t this angry.

 

“Dean, what are you doing?” Sam’s voice was breathy and it had a desperate quality to it, which Dean decided to ignore with all his might.

 

“Are you -are you leaving?”

 

“You don’t need me.” He growled back, eyes firmly set on what he was doing. He couldn’t look at Sam right now, not without getting even more frustrated. “You and Ruby go fight demons.” He picked up the bag and went to leave the room but Sam’s hand on his arm pulled at him. It was gentle, as was Sam’s voice as he tried to prevent him from leaving.

 

He turned around and his eyes met his little brother’s. It was a short moment in which he was flooded with so many emotions he could barely make out sadness and fury before he was sending his fist in Sam’s face. Dean never wanted to hurt him, even the God he didn’t believe in up until a month ago knows that, but it’s all too much.

 

When Sam dared ask him if he’s satisfied, Dean threw another fist in his mouth, wanting to smack all evil out of him. Or at least give his baby brother the reality check that he needed.

 

“Do you even know how far off the reservation you’ve gone?” He asked, feeling almost dangerous, as if he was about to lose it completely. “How far from normal, from human?”

 

Sam tried to justify himself, saying that he’d been doing what they’ve been doing all along – exorcising demons. But this is different. This is way too different. Mind games barely classify as doing something right, as saving people’s lives. He wondered what else his brother can do.

“I can send them back to Hell. It only works with demons and that’s it.”

 

Dean grabbed the front of Sam’s shirt and asked the question again in a growl. He didn't feel like he could trust Sam anymore. It was like he was talking to a whole new person now. How could he not be angry? They were supposed to stick together.

 

Sam pushed his hand away, looking distressed himself. “I told you!” He exclaimed in a quiet voice, and then stared at Dean with that soft look of his.

 

Even though he wanted to believe him, Dean really couldn't right then.. Even though he wanted to acknowledge the way Sam’s chest rose up and down in a way that made him look almost fragile, he didn't let himself think too much of it. He couldn't go mild just because it was Sammy, he couldn't.

 

“I’m sorry, Dean. I am.” His baby brother apologised and then started explaining again. How he there was another side to this, how he'd been saving people. Excuses, excuses, excuses… For a moment Dean wondered if Sam had gone stupid or insane.

 

“That what Ruby wants you to think?” He asked, hoping he could get to Sam somehow, to warn him that he’s playing with fire. “It’s gonna get darker and darker and God knows where it ends.”

 

“I’m not gonna let it go too far.” Sam said and Dean was almost seeing red again.

 

He smacked some stuff out of his way, the sound of the lamp crashing against the furniture and the ground resonating through the room.

 

“It’s already gone too far, Sam.” He growls, giving his brother a look that could kill. “If I didn’t know you, I would wanna hunt you.”

 

For once, Sam seemed to be listening.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

The next few days were not nearly as eventful even though they had a new case, yet another monster to deal with. An old friend of their father’s had called, Travis – also a hunter, and asked them for help with the Roogaroo he was about to fight.

 

Even though Travis had interrupted their talk, Dean knew he’d gotten to Sam at least a little bit. His baby brother had gotten quiet and more careful since their fight and Dean felt somewhat relieved to see that Sam was considering things.

 

They defeat the creature with the sad cost of the other hunter’s life. When they burn what is left of him, both brothers feel the weight of their job once again. It’s then when Sam realizes how much easier sharing all of that with Dean has made it on him. Dean was his support, the strong shoulder he could lean on any time he needed. Dean had always been there for him, ever since Sam can remember himself. Dean had been there when no one else was in sight.

 

And these powers, they could not only destroy his nature, Sam thought as they drove towards a new destination. Using these powers could ruin their lives, make them drift apart. After all Dean had done for him, this was starting to seem like the biggest mistake Sam could ever make. These powers were playing with fire, something he didn’t plan on doing ever again. He owed Dean that much.

 

There was some demon activity in Denton, Texas so they headed there. Along the way, Dean didn’t talk much. Actually, he didn’t talk unless asked and Sam was getting more and more uneasy. It pained him when Dean got distant for whatever reason and now it was even worse. It was worse because the younger Winchester knew that reason was him.

 

It felt like a burden that he did not want but deserved. Of course Dean was mad at him, of course he didn’t want to speak to him. And of course he’d stopped trusting him. The moment Sam realized Dean had every right to feel the way he did, it hit him that soon he may lose his brother. And if he did, it would be entirely his fault.

 

It was time he made it up to Dean.

 

 

~

 

 

At first Sam had ideas. He bought Dean pie even when his brother hadn’t asked him to, he suggested they went to bars so Dean would hook up with whoever he wanted. The second wasn’t pleasant for him and Sam had a hard time figuring out why. His stomach turned every time some girl hit on Dean, every time his big brother flirted back and definitely every time he was awaken in the middle of the night by Dean’s arrival in their hotel room.

 

Sam had an idea as to why he was feeling that way but he dismissed it every time it came to mind. Dean’s concern, his words and action had indeed touched him and made him rethink everything. But had they touched him that deeply? Had Dean’s brotherly love left a different mark in his subconscious this time? Or was it all just the feeling of regret he had and the wish to make it up to his big brother at any cost? Some nights Sam thought about that for hours while others he quickly pushed it at the back of his mind, deciding that he was digging too much into it.

 

But the way Dean looked at him nowadays really changed everything for Sam. His brother’s gaze was steady, deep and meaningful. The green irises seemed so much darker than the younger Winchester remembered them being. That look of expectance and demand Dean would give him said both too much and not nearly enough. Had his brother always been watching him that way, Sam wondered and yet couldn’t figure out.

 

He knew what Dean wanted. Or at least he thought he did.

 

When they fought their first demon in Denton, Sam exorcised him with a spell. He’d been hopeful that would make his older brother see that he wasn’t going dark side. His hope had died the moment he saw Dean’s cold stare. If looks could speak then Sam knew this one said ‘You’re gonna try harder to convince me this time, Sam.” And he couldn’t really blame him.

 

A week and many tries to not let Dean drift away from him later, Sam was feeling desperate. It seemed that he’d tried everything. He’d even sent Ruby away the moment she tried to convince him to start using his powers again.

 

“I can’t, Ruby. I won’t. Not anymore.” He’d said a bit uncertain, but still determined.

 

“Why not, Sam?” She’d asked, fire blazing in her now brown eyes. “Is it because of Dean?”

 

Sam hadn’t said anything then. It wasn’t just because of Dean, it really wasn’t. But he was the main reason.

 

“What is it about you two? I don’t understand you, Sam. Is he that important that you’d turn your back to who you are for him?” That had been all she said before she’d disappeared, not even waiting for Sam’s response.

 

Maybe she’d been right. Maybe those powers were a part of who he was now but if that was evil, he knew the right thing was to turn his back to them. As for him and Dean, he didn’t know what it was about them either. But they fit together, he knew that much. Other things and people came and went but there had to be a reason why Dean was still there.

 

Sam had mixed emotions. Even though he and his brother were still together and Dean hadn’t left it wasn’t the same as before. And Sam wanted it to be. So instead of trying to prove himself to his older brother yet again, he decided to talk to him, to clear things out.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

“Dean, can we talk?” Sam’s soft voice grazed Dean’s ears, immediately attracting his attention.

 

He looked up from the gun he was loading and raised an eyebrow. He knew he was coming off way colder than he actually felt but for the moment did nothing to change it. Leaving the gun on the bed he stood and went to the desk on the other side of the room to get his other one. That one, as he discovered was already loaded to he sat on the nearest chair and turned to look at his baby brother. Sam had taken his seat on the bed and was giving him his puppy dog look. Dean felt a couple of urges, one of which to roll his eyes.

 

“Sure, go ahead, Sam.”

 

Sam took a deep breath like he was about to speak a load. “What is up, Dean? You haven’t been acting like yourself.”

Dean laughed bitterly. “That’s funny.” He glared at Sam, only half heartedly, already feeling gentler feelings towards his brother. “I’m exactly the one who hasn’t been acting like himself.”

 

Frowning, the younger man lowered his eyes to the ground and let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, Dean.” He mumbled before looking back up hesitantly. “I really am, but I thought about what you said. I tried to show you but you’ve been ignoring me.”

 

Dean didn’t respond for a while, deep down knowing that Sam had a right. He had been more distant but it was only because he really wanted Sam back to normal. And he hadn’t noticed any changes or had he not been looking for them? He scowled.

“You can’t expect me to be all rainbows and smiles after what’s been happening.”

 

Sam’s expression changed into bitch mode in a matter of seconds and he spread his arms in frustration. “It hasn’t been happening for weeks, Dean! That’s what I’m trying to tell you here. That’s what I’ve been trying to show you.” The last sentence was said in almost a whisper, Sam’s eyes getting big and tearful in the process.

 

Feelings of love and guilt from making his baby brother act like that warmed Dean’s chest and his own face expression softened. He breathed out a sigh and gazed at Sam. The past few months had been hard enough on the young man, he’d had to deal with so much things it just made no sense for Dean to make it even harder on him. It wasn’t necessary especially if Sam really had given up on his powers.

 

Apparently taking Dean’s silence for a bad sign, Sam shifted uneasily on the bed before he spoke up again. “I swear, Dean, I haven’t been using them. And I won’t.”

 

“I promise.” He added after a while, looking so sorry and fragile Dean could barely muster up the strength to keep himself from doing something stupid.

 

As it appeared though, he was far too gone for that by now. He stood and made his way toward the bed slowly, giving Sam enough time to react in any way possible. The younger Winchester stayed there however, watching him as if ready to take anything Dean would’ve offered. Once within reaching distance of his baby brother, Dean stopped thinking completely.

 

There were no confessions, no cheesy chick flick moments, and no more useless drama. His hands cupped Sam’s face gently and with one fluid move he had their lips pressed together in the softest kiss he’d ever initiated. He was met with no resistance, Sam reaching up to hold onto biceps as their mouths brushed together, tongues twining in a slow dance.

 

Dean leaned into his brother more, causing Sam to gradually lean back until his back was against the pillows, propping him in just the right angle. Sam moaned lowly at the feeling of Dean’s mouth against his own and his body on top of his, leaning further into him with each passing moment. He was in a sort of daze that he found hard to snap out of.

 

When Sam got to his senses and pulled back to watch Dean through hooded eyes, the older man felt like everything was finally falling into place.

 

“Dean, what are we-“Sam started meekly just to be interrupted by the light peck his brother placed on his lips.

 

“Shh, Sammy. No explanations.” Dean rasped, fingers working on unbuttoning the other’s jeans in unrushed skilled motions.

 

“But…” Sam started again, breath hitching already in anticipation. That short word caused Dean to stop and look at him.

 

“Don’t you want this?” He slid his hand over his brother’s soft brown hair, petting and pulling on it very lightly.

 

Sam didn’t need to be asked twice and for some reason didn’t even need to think about it. He nodded and expressed no protest when Dean removed his jeans and helped him take off his shirt. They kissed in between each clothing’s discard, making it harder for both to keep track of time. Soon the feeling of pliant skin against his make Sam’s breathing heave.

 

He moaned his brother’s name as Dean lay hot kisses all over his neck and shoulders, his hands sliding over Sam’s hips to his inner thighs. It felt natural to Sam to spread his legs and raise them at the knees to cradle Dean between them as his brother nestled closer to him and groaned deep in his chest.

 

The next minutes were a blur of Sam struggling to let out all sounds of pleasure that were making their way past his lips while Dean kissed him all over and prepared him.

 

Dean was going to make love to him. It was probably the only clear thought in Sam’s head at that moment but he wasn’t complaining. It had been a while since something felt that good. They deserved to feel good.

 

When Dean was finally inside of him, it felt like nothing Sam had felt before. He’d had his share of strong feelings but none had ever come even close to this. His loss for thoughts and definitions for that emotion spoke enough for what he was experiencing. With every deep thrust of Dean’s length in him, Sam got closer and closer to what they had been fighting all these years for – peace.

 

 

If Dean had known Sam felt like freedom, like release from all the terrible burdens that they were forced to bear, things would have been different. This, he thought as he poured all his love in his steady thrusts in Sam, was the answer to his questions. This was his brother – willing, wanton, loving, pure Sam that Dean had wanted all along.

 

 

Later they lay together, Sam’s head pillowed on Dean’s chest as he listened to his brother’s heartbeat. Dean’s fingers stroked his hair gently, luring him to sleep. He resisted the urge so he could tell Dean what he thought the other man needed to hear.

 

“I don’t want to lose you.” Sam whispered.

 

Dean smiled softly, something Sam didn’t see but could feel. “You won’t.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

The End


End file.
